I just wanna say something.

feeling blue of all sudden...
sometimes i really wonder if i have contracted acute depression... lol...
really stressed right now... i need to find a way to vent out my frustration and unhappiness...
i dunno wad is the reason that causes me to feel so down tonight, and that irritates me even further...
hais... =(

i am and can be more timid and holds low self-esteem than anyone can imagine...
sometimes i dun talk things out doesnt mean i dun care... if you see me laughing over certain issues, it doesnt mean that im trying to avoid something or not taking it seriously... if i din rebuke back doesnt mean im fine or ok wif your decision or opinion...
im simply just afraid to show ppl on how i feel at times...

i do a lot of self-questioning and reflections in my mind every single day... i think and plan stuff in my pea brain every single moment... there will be times i feel so disheartened and feel so difficult that i couldnt even breathe... i just felt that everything is so not going to get better cos i cant even see where im standing now...

i used to feel comfortable wif myself way better than now... wad is happening to me? im no longer be able to laugh wif all my lungs out like i used to... growing up is a tedious process.. i know i have to face it bravely and move on... too much thoughts and troubles have been entering into me life...

i dun like to talk things out oftenly, even though sometimes i may sound like i have told ya enough abt me, there still is, so much more in me that some of you wouldnt even know yet... not that im trying to hide anything from ppl around, but i just have too much stuff to say out... so much that i cant even organise my thoughts accordingly... im a person wif lots of O.S in my mind... but definitely not a hypocrite.... i just tend to show my true self a little slower....

there'll be times when i have so much ideas and plans in mind and dying to hope ppl will hear me out, but im just afraid that ppl will get hurt and either judge or misunderstood me for who i am base on my opinion that is untrue... thus, i step back. i keep to myself in a wrg way. i hold on for the wrg reason. i follow the crowd to think that it'll be a easy way out... however, i ended up as a person wif no opinion... oh yea i do, but only i myself knows it... cos i told nobody.

but one thing that stays me happy for sure is when everyone is please wif the decision made, i'll be happy for all and everything too... having mutual understanding and cooperation when interacting wif anyone is all i ask for... i dislike chaos.

its really terrible when so much worries and troubles are inside your mind and someone is there to remind you every single time... and worst is, aha, those comments does no constructive help at all?!! like seriously.... wth??
but well, sometimes its hard to blame them, we tend to take things for granted especially when it's wif us for a long time that we forgot to appreciate what they have done and sacrifice for us... take our loved ones for example... be it family or friends... we just forgot how much difference they have made in our life and that if not for their presence we could not have been who we are now... shameless to say, very few ppl will keep that in mind... so we tend to throw our displeasures, anger, tough remarks... all on them with no mercy~
cos they are the ones who will accept you for who you are, and hold you grudges no longer than anyone else... we often failed to realise that they actually dun have to take your shit or hear your nasty/non-constructive comments just because ' i experienced a bad day from work today, so mom, i have the right to feel angry.' or ' we have known each other for so long, you shld have know my temper and character, so its ok for me to be straight forward and talk nasty to you. cos true friends shld understand me better than anyone else.'
thats the lamest excuse. and they do nothing wrong to u. very sad.

there will be times when we need someone to be there for us when we are down, happy, lost, confused, angry.... the close ones are the ones for us... its always comforting to know that someone is there for you and be with you to pull you through ur darkest moment... however, there'll be times when you'll forget what your loved ones have done for you after they have helped to pull you out from ur difficult times... so you tend to stomp them flat when u are upset or feel that 'i do this to you becos i care'.... we hurt them unknowingly... some may even not argue back cos they understand our intention despite feeling disappointed with us...

these are some of the things i've been reminding myself every single day... that all these great and amazing ppl who really care and love you dun come easily... that we shld treasure what we have now, and appreciate their presence.... that we shld always put ourselves in their shoes... and treat them better as we can... we shldnt be stingy wif our words, and shld try to give them the recognition and appreciation they deserve... so even when sometimes they really does 'stupid' stuff that gets on ur nerves, we shld always remind the good stuff they have done for us and tell them how much they means to us and how much you love them... may not be easy, but i try my best to place myself in their position to feel what they feel...

just like any typical traditional chinese, i admit that i am not good wif showing affection to my parents on how much i love them and how much i appreciate their effort into building this small little comfort family for me... they may not be rich enuff to buy me wad i want since young, but im really thankful to have such a resposnsible and caring parents who will try their best to provide us wif the best living condition they can give... we may not have fanciful clothes to wear or expensive new toys to play or extra pocket money to spend as compared to other kids since young, at least we own a loving and happy childhood! =)

i din realise how blessed i was till when some of my friends told me how envy they felt when they see my family... i dint really get them at that time.... i was really young then... but i can totally understand them now... =)
i really hope to pass my macro paper and graduate now... i'll go find a job after that..... i'll bring my parents to chinese restaurants to taste real good chinese food.... i'll get them a nice hp.... i'll buy them tickets to go for tour.... i need to work hard in order to accomplish all these.... these are my way of showing my gratitude to mama and papa....
so yixian, jiayou!

and of course, i feel really lucky to have a bunch of good friends who have been sticking through thick and thin wif me for so many years since secondary sch... its my honour to know them and im glad to be able to grow up wif them~
also, the friendship whom ive build in SIM really surprised me... i never thought i can make such a wonderful bunch of friends in this sch... they make things work! without them, my life in SIM will be hell... they are such a kind soul...

i love my friends... i really do...
sometimes i thought i have lost them, but actually i havent...
therefore, i really treasure every moment spent wif them...
they gave me the encouragement whenever i need...
offer me help when they see me struggling and worrying if i can cope myself without me even asking!
i owe them too much...

hongu and lia, you both have given me so so much joy and laughter during this 8 yrs of friendship... i really enjoy the times spent wif u guys... you guys never fail to lessen my worries and burden... encouragements are always given to me unselfishly... help were given in times of needs... these are the friends who really feel happy for you from the bottom of their heart even if u scored C6 for ur o lvl math... lol... they never discourage me and give me sacarsm in a wrg way! they will suan me at the right area which always cracks me up so much! hope our friendship never stops... i pray hard...
kelly, dillon and jasper too, i never expect someone who know you for barely one year to treat you so well... these friends that ive made in sch are really kind, sweet and funny... especially kelly, i never tot a gal can be like her.... a gal so skinny and small in size, yet own such an incredible big heart and a loud voice inside... lol... days when i need to work full-time and study full-time was a total nightmare... i wouldnt be in sem5 without kelly's help... she is too good to be true... that guy who owns her now really jian dao bao~ i hope she's coping well wif her heavy workload too...
dillon is the most talented friend ive known so far... he knows basically everything... mayb cos too rich so can afford to own lots of hobbies... LOL.... this cool guy is another great friend who is really amicable and easy-going despite of what he have... he could have act cool and despise ppl like me who is poor, short, fat, not good in studies...etc, but he dint. lol, so he is a good boy! hope he is coping well in the ns now...
another good boy, jasper... honestly i dun spend as much time wif him as compared to the rest, due to some chances we missed, but he did gave me encouragement from time to time when we chatted on msn too... and a very easy-going guy who says sui bian to everything too... he's entering ns soon, hope he is prepared for what is waiting for him in there!
these 3 wonderful friends that ive made in sch gave me really good memories, i shall never forget those times we've spent tgt in sch.... sometimes i really miss them... hope we can meet up soon~

there are really lots of good friends i want to thank such as judy, geokting, szewei, lujun...etc and friends like caryn, who is so sweet enuff to leave me a comment to encourage me for my previous entry! she rmbs me! but im tired already, and i feel much better talking things out this way even thou its a bit long and irrelavent wif why im suddenly depressed... aiya, i dunno my reason for feeling upset anyway, so i guess ranting out on how i feel helps to lighten my mood!
so yea, thats all for now... im gonna get some sleep and revise again tml!